potential trigger warning for pregnancy loss
I am 1 in 4.
Before 2014, I had no idea what this statistic meant. It is estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies in the United States ends in miscarriage. In 2014, I had an early pregnancy lost.
My husband and I didn’t mean to get pregnant. We had gotten married in July and were on our honeymoon. I hadn’t been on any form of hormonal birth control after realizing it had been the cause of my migraines. My husband and I had been practicing natural family planning and it had been working quite well for us. However… being on our honeymoon made us feel invincible and we were lax about our fertility.
August came and I began to feel like I wasn’t alone. I hadn’t missed my period yet, but I just knew I was pregnant. A week later and a positive pregnancy test confirmed that yes, I was pregnant. My husband and I were in shock… but knew that we wanted our baby. We had originally planned on waiting until after my husband graduated from college, but life doesn’t always go according to plans.
We went in for our first prenatal dating scan appointment and got to see the first glimpse of our 6 week baby. We were given a due date of April 20, 2015. There was even a heartbeat! It was magical and confirmed to my husband and myself that this is what we wanted.
We began the process of telling our families and friends, but tried to keep it hush since most baby sites I logged onto recommended against announcements until the second trimester – just in case. During this time my cousin and one of my client’s had a miscarriage. I felt immense pain for them, but was relieved that my baby was okay. I was feeling better too as my morning sickness was finally letting up.
My husband and I went to our 9 week check up excited to get a glimpse at our baby again. How much would s/he have grown? Would we get to hear the heartbeat? The Nurse Practitioner placed the ultrasound wand on my belly and looked around. She made comments that the baby must be hiding since she was having trouble finding them. My husband and I laughed. Silly baby! Then she fell silent. She said the fetal sac was only measuring at 7 weeks, and there was no heartbeat. She would find my doctor to confirm the diagnosis. Yes! My OB/GYN. She found him last time, surely she could find him again. When my doctor finally came, she couldn’t find the heartbeat either. She said “Sorry guys. There’s nothing you could have done,” and left us with the NP.
At this point, I was pretty numb. The NP explained it was a blighted ovum, and sometimes it just happens; no one knows why. Our options were to have a D&C surgery, take misopropal (the abortion pill) or wait for my body to do it naturally. We were still in shock, so she told us to go home and decide over the weekend.
I managed to make my way home while my husband got pizza, but as soon as I got to our bedroom, I was in tears. What had happened to my baby? I promised to keep it safe. Why did my body fail me? My best friend and roommate at the time comforted and cried with me until my husband got home.
I took the next week off of work. I couldn’t handle it. I was a social worker that dealt with families, and every time I saw something that reminded me of a child I was filled with anger and sadness. I rarely left the house during this time, allowing myself to cry and mourn. I researched and read anything and everything I could about pregnancy loss and blighted ovii. I decided to allow my body to do it naturally… in the hope that maybe the doctors were wrong. I read many stories on incorrect diagnoses, maybe I was one of them. I clung to hope; it was all I had.
I started bleeding at around 11 weeks. At this point, I had mostly come to terms with my fate, but I was still bitter. I wasn’t prepared for how intense the pain would be. My body had contractions for 2 nights in a row before it was complete. On the third day, I expelled a mass of tissue. I was too distraught to look closely at it at the time, but I wish I had. I felt empty, like a part of myself was missing. It wasn’t only that I lost a child – I lost the idea of a child. I lost the hopes and dreams that I had for this child. I lost the future of this child.
Friends and family who did know were comforting. Quite a few women confided that they had also experienced a miscarriage. Talking about our suffering together was really soothing – quite a few people cried along with me. For something so many woman experience, it’s never talked about.
But having a pregnancy loss isn’t something that women should be ashamed about. It’s a loss, and it’s something I wished was talked about more often, which is why I’m telling my story.
I am 1 in 4. I am not alone.
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Thanks for sharing your story- you are very brave! I too suffered a miscarriage but it was my 2nd pregnancy- my son is 2. I cannot imagine the pain of miscarrying your 1st baby, as I have a baby too kiss and bring me joy to help me get through this. My heart goes out to you!
Thank you for your kind words. Before I had my miscarriage, I never realized how common it actually was, and had no idea that I knew people who had gone through one. I think it’s important we share our stories to let other women know they’re not alone, and to destigmatize miscarriages.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Taking comfort in your shunshine baby is a great way to cope with loss. Cuddling with a loving child definitely would have made it easier to cope, but I imagine it also comes with other challenges.
It’s so comforting and healing talking to others who have been in our shoes and understand what we’re doing through.
And you are exactly right. It’s hard to grieve when there’s a person depending on you who isn’t aware of what’s going on. I think he picked up on my sadness and emotional state and as days went on, it got really hard to be a good mom when I was suffering so much.
Yes, I found it comforting to talk to someone who had been through it as well.
A friend of mine from high school noticed on Pinterest that instead of pinning pregnancy stuff to my board, I had started pinning a lot of articles on pregnancy loss and reached out to me. It was one of the nicest gestures to me at the time, since even though my family was supportive, most of them hadn’t gone through what I was going through. Talking with someone who had suffered the same pain was really cathartic to me as well.
That sounds very difficult. I was able to take time off work, and really focus on myself during the miscarriage. I can’t imagine having to take care of another little one at the same time. At 2, I don’t think they would understand the complexity of what is happening (nor should they share the full burden), but I think they definitely pick up on our emotions.
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Today is Nov. 1, 2016. I was 10 weeks pregnant on Oct 29, 2016 and started showing signs of a miscarriage. I went to the ER in hopes that something else was wrong and after an ultrasound was done i was told that my baby had stopped growing at 6 wks and there was no heartbeat. I have been going through the contractions now for 3 days and the pain is unbelievable. The saddest part for me is for a split second ill forget that my baby is gone and ill touch my stomach and be knocked back into reality and remember that my heart is broken and something is missing. Thank you so much for sharing your story, its comforting to know that im not alone and someone else knows how im feeling.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s hard to say whether the physical or emotional pain is worse. I felt like a part of me was missing for a very long time, and sometimes I still do, even though I have a rainbow baby. If you ever want to talk or vent feel free to email me or comment. The most healing thing for me was talking to others who have experienced the same thing. There’s also a great group on facebook as well called Miscarriage Mamas that I found healing. ❤
Thank you for your story. I miscarried what would have been my second child today. I wasn’t prepared for the grief, if that makes sense? The moment you find out your expecting it’s like your future is altered. Everything. Like you said, every minute from that moment on, I thought about him. (I like to think he would have been a he) I began imagining him at the dinner table with us, playing with his awesome big sister, even late night newborn feedings. And just like that, he was leaving and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. You’re right. For something that apparently happens so often, no one talks about it. I got attached to that little nugget. I imagined his future. I had already loved him so much.
Again, thank you. It was a comfort to read your story.
I’m glad my story was comforting. Reading others experiences really helped me feel less alone during my miscarriage. My family was still supportive of what I was going through, but there’s more of an understanding with other women who have actually gone through the same experience.
That was the hardest part for me; not just losing my baby, but losing the hopes and dreams that I had already formed. Losing the life that I felt I was supposed to have.
I’m here to talk if you ever want to talk more (stephanie@mamahippie.com). ❤ There’s also a few facebook communities I found comforting too.
Your story hits me so hard. I am in the weekend, were I was told to take a few days to decide how to have my baby leave my body. I was 9 weeks 1 day but when we went to our first ultrasound there was no heart beat and the girl said it’s not measuring right. My heart is breaking. I dont know how to feel, I cant believe true, I keep hoping it’s not. We have tried for 6 years and 6 months this was our 2nd time but we were so much further this time then last. I had been taking clomid for 6 months and I really thought this was going to be our rainbow baby.
I just came across this and it touched my heart. A few months ago I miscarried at only 7 weeks and it was so hard! The physical pain is nothing compared to the mental and emotional pain you feel afterwards. Jealousy comes so easily when you see other pregnant women, but then again like you said, it does get better with time. I have a Pandora bracelet my mother-in-law bought me for Mothers Day (before I miscarried) that has a baby carriage charm that reminds me of my little one that I never really got to hold in my arms. Thanks so much for the post! It helped me heal even more and I actually have a blog post about my miscarriage if you want to go read it! Here is the link.
https://sillybabbitts.blogspot.com/2017/07/reflections-on-my-miscarriage.html
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I suffered a very painful loss of my baby at 10 weeks thru a ruptured tubular pregnancy. I had no idea my baby was growing in my tube. One day I was bent over in such horrific pain. After getting a shot they did a ultra sound and later told me my tube finally ruptured from the growth of the baby. I can’t tell you what that did to me, the surgery made it even more real that my baby girl or boy died that day. That was in 1987. To update my life I also lost my 17 yr old boy Anthony to a horrific car crash on 7/18/97. They never let me see him at the coroner’s office or at the funeral. The loss of a child is the WORSE pain ever felt in life. Whether the loss of a baby not yet born or a older child the pain remains the same. Thanks for the kindness of all your hearts. Stay strong when you can and cry when you need. Diana
Thank you for sharing your story! I also had a miscarriage around the same time in the trimester as you did a year but my and my boyfriend weren’t married and nor did we expect to be pregnant.. i hold an anger still til this day… on October 22 would’ve been her first year with us it hadn’t happened we recently gave her (we assumed it was a baby girl) a name… since in October 22, 2018 was her due date it wouldve been on a monday and since thats the day it wouldve fallen on… my boyfriend who doesnt really express emotions much about it came up with it and i loved it… now that particular name is special to !! i love my baby !!! <3
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